When John and Sandra Huff of Hays, Kansas decided on a weight loss regime, they didn’t rely on New Year’s resolutions. Instead they had an even greater incentive. To eat the live flesh of television presenter Ryan Seacrest.
“We’ve always despised that guy”, said John, “so when the opportunity to quite literally eat him alive became available as the prize to lose 60 pounds each we lost no time in signing up at a local gym.
ABC were only too willing to help out the couple. “When we wrote the letter to ABC we thought maybe they only send us a severed finger. How surprised we were when they offered him up as a human sacrifice! It was so generous. I can’t say how thankful we are to them for making our dream come true.”
ABC plan to host a live event of the savage cannibalization in a show preliminarily named “There’s Nothing Crest!”
“It’s so tantalizing”, said Sandra. “I can almost hear the screams of agony from Ryan, so it really keeps me focused on that last mile”.
Both also see the challenge as something of a New Year’s present to the nation.
“Just think”, said a beaming John. “No more vacuous smile and perfect teeth, spouting out something a robot could spit out with more emotion. No more perfectly fun celebration ruined yet again for millions!”.
Sandra agreed, nodding vigorously, and added “I think Dick Clark probably would have liked to have had a bite or two also, god rest his soul”. John added “Yes, although personally I like to think Dick will be there in spirit, chowing down on his innards too”.