The Movements of Zane Bald

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

“Wow, this is what? Four days I’ve been constipated now” thought Zane Bald. He’d been taking fiber pills, but they obviously hadn’t kicked in. It was always the holidays, with all the rich food it brought, that this happened. The year was 1989. The start of a revolution that shook the world.

Something was going on down there, and perhaps this would be his moment of relief. Immediately though it became clear to Zane this was just another seemingly unsatisfying movement. How wrong he was.

The first small nugget dislodged and plopped into the watery fecal grave below. The initial toilet missile introduced a series of equally small brown cannonballs in a seemingly random sequence of toilet entry. Except it soon become clear it was anything but random. To Zane’s astonishment he realized each dollop created a different note on entry with perfect timing. The tune was familiar, but what was it? “My God!”, he shrieked, “Little House of the Prairie!”.

Soon the entire neighborhood was abuzz with Zane’s magical poop tunes. Zane had to build a small stage upon which he performed from his throne. All would gather around to hear his ring-hole renditions of the random tunes that fell from his bottom. It might be ‘Blue Eyes’ by Elton John one day, then ‘Band On the Run’ by Wings the next.

It wasn’t long before local, national and then international media showed up to share the marvel of Zane’s toilet trickery to a dazzled world. Soon large stadium’s beckoned. He pooped tunes to millions of adoring fans the world over and reaped a fortune in return over two decades.

Then, during a performance at Wembley Stadium, London, one man during a pause stood up a shouted quite audibly ‘This music is pure excrement! Enough of this nonsense!’. The man had picked the wrong crowd. Hundreds vented their fury upon the unknown man. He was never seen or heard from again.

Zane, shocked by his fans ferocity, declared he was quitting music forever. However, his legacy still lives on to this day. Steamy, excremental music is now pouring out of every radio station worldwide in an audible tribute to Zane Bald’s humble plops from 1989, from the likes of Justin Bieber, Maroon 5 and Nicki Manaj, to name but a few.